My husband and I are quite happy in our own way (within reason). He gives me freedom to do what ever I like to do in my life. I never cross the line. When we get home, he goes nut with his load of works on his laptop in the bedroom. I love it. It's all in good fun, and we trust each other. But...soon I become aware of differences in our personal values after we got married and that really makes me think that I really should have made a second thought before I married this man.
Then, to my deep regret ( I am??), is exactly what I have done, and continue to do. After meeting F, my former boyfriend (I think so), a few months ago everything is changed. I feel like I am betraying my husband and I don't want to. I’m not deliberately trying to destroy my marriage. My husband notices the difference, even if I never explain the entire process. Strangely, I'm not normally the kind of person who takes risks and still don't know why I fell for F so heavily - perhaps because I'd first met him when I was free and single and in my 20s.
I shouldn’t have this dark affair and I don’t think I need F as much I need my husband. I don’t even love him but I like the way he treats me. I do not know exactly my feeling towards him. We had a brief thing in the past but never were gf and bf. Sometimes I get confused about how he feels about me. He acts selfish and tries turning the argument on me when he done something wrong, making me feel guilty when I shouldn't. We could start arguments over anything. He always telling me I should act more like this and less like that. I think it some kind of emotionally abusive behaviour. I know he's not my bf, but he's acting as controlling as an abusive bf.
I am being unfaithful to my husband. Nothing about having an affair is rational. Stuff like that is useless and only can lead to no good.
I'm not a very hard person to please. It's just that I have been so damn depressed lately. I have no idea what the real reason for it is (of coz mayb bcoz im betraying my husband. plsssslah...whatelse!!!!) I have been so insecure in my marriage lately, it's ridiculous. Maybe I am just plain crazy. Whatever it is, it needs to be resolved ASAP. F and I had a slightly stupid argument recently that makes me feel this is the right time for me to keep myself apart from him. I feel like he is cheating on me even though he says he is not. I felt like even though we would have our minor arguments we still had a great relationship. I got all the attention from him that I wanted. In the same time it feels like he just got used to me and is taking me for granted. Sometimes I feel like I should do something and cheat on him but I know that's not the answer especially if I am not 100% sure about what he is doing. I really shouldn't feel this way but I just can't help it. I feel like I have no one to talk to about this because when I try to discuss my feelings with him it always turns into an argument. Maybe if I am able to get some of this off of my chest I will feel better.
